Dating Déjà Vu? How to Recognize the Lessons You Keep Avoiding
In the school of life, you can opt in or out of lessons. You can even withdraw from certain classes. For example, some people with multiple DUIs receive a lesson and experience the consequences, yet they decide they are not ready to complete the metaphorical class designed to teach them not to repeat that behavior.
Admittedly, I am chronically online. I am also a single woman in my 30s. This means I see a lot of dating content algorithmically served to me: dating coaches, screenshots of people’s profiles, advice-givers, and advice-seekers. The category of content I try to disengage from is when people generalize and complain about men or women in dating.
Maybe all men are not awful, but you are meant to learn something reflected by awful men. Maybe all women are not needy and manipulative, but needy, manipulative women have something to teach you. It’s worth exploring the idea that your patterns are painting the picture of your experience, not the other way around.
Repeated patterns in romantic relationships are another example of being enrolled in a class and then dropping it. When someone finds themselves encountering the same types of situations over and over, there’s an opportunity to get curious about whether there’s a lesson for them rather than attributing negative generalities to entire groups of people.
Learning from my past helps me understand my present. It is one reason I journal. By processing what’s happening in my life on paper, I create a record I can revisit when the future arrives. I like to compare the experience to the outcome and reflect on how they align or differ.
One lesson I have repeatedly enrolled in and dropped while dating is having intuition and ignoring it. When I revisit the archives of my life, I can see doubts or cautions I expressed during certain connections.
Instead of adding together my intuitive thoughts and impressions of the situation, I suppressed my inner voice so I could simply enjoy what little substance there was. But choosing to accept a small amount of enjoyment in the present can mean opting into a bit of heartbreak later.
Even if you’re totally traumatized and dysregulated, your intuition is speaking to you. When I review the doubts, fears, and apprehensions I felt, and then look at the outcomes, I can see that my intuition was trying to gently guide me.
So how do you actually apply your intuition? The recipe is to observe the facts of the situation and pay attention to what your inner voice is saying so you can mix the two together and proceed accordingly.
Here’s the process:
Assess the facts of the situation. Focus on the concrete: How are they actually treating you? How do you behave when you’re around them?
Assess what your intuition says about the facts. When you ask yourself what these facts mean, what response do you provide?
Combine the facts with your intuitive response. What do you conclude?
Take action according to that conclusion.
Accept the outcome once you’ve taken action.
Everyone has intuition to use and facts to accept and understand. You don’t need to meditate or be in an optimal mental state — it’s not so mystical.